Goin' Postal
by DeathPaladin
Summary: Pity poor Sasuke. Really. Naruto makes Neji go postal.


Goin' Postal

I don't own Naruto.

AN: I had the idea for this from reading a Garfield strip. I'm sorry if it's too short for your liking.

Everyone in Konoha knew that there were three things to know about Naruto Uzumaki. One, you never badmouthed or hurt his friends unless you were suicidal. Two, you never got between him and ramen if you valued your life and liked your body with all its parts intact.

Three, when he had the look of the proverbial cat (or fox) who swallowed the canary, you ran away as fast as possible and hid for a good three hours.

The fact that he was speaking with Tenten, who sported the same look, should've clued Lee in that something was about to go horribly, horribly wrong.

Then again, Lee never was the sharpest tool in the shed.

"Yosh! Naruto-sama, Tenten! What youthful subject are you two discussing on this youthful day?" the spandex-wearing tokubetsu jonin exclaimed.

Tenten winced and rotated her pinky in her ear.

"Lee, volume."

"Oh. I am sorry."

"De nada."

The Rokudaime and the ANBU weapons mistress gave great big grins. Naruto clapped Lee on the back.

"Lee, ol' buddy ol' pal, get everyone except Neji and Sasuke together. I just realized something."

"What might that be, Hokage-sama?"

Naruto's grin turned slightly sinister.

"I know how to make Neji go postal."

Lee's eyebrows rose.

"I am listening…"

Soon, Naruto, Sakura, Sai, Kakashi, Yamato, Ino, Shikamaru, Choji, Kiba, Shino, Hinata, Hanabi (who was actually the one interested in seeing Neji flip; she dragged Hinata along), Lee, Tenten, Anko and Ibiki (both there because of their sadism), Gai, Kurenai and her kid, and Tsunade were gathered in Naruto's office, awaiting the Rokudaime's plan.

"Alright. You all know why I called you here, so let's cut to the chase. Lights."

Sakura turned down the lights. Naruto grabbed a remote from his desk and clicked a button. A screen lowered itself from the ceiling. Next, Naruto pulled out…the Sandaime's crystal ball telescope.

He set in on top of a projector and an image flared to life on the screen. It was the jonin lounge. Neji was sitting there drinking coffee, as was Sasuke.

A messenger entered and came up to the Uchiha.

"Sasuke-san, there was a mess-up in an ANBU recruits paperwork. We need you to come down and sort it out." Sasuke nodded with his trademark 'hn' and rose, leaving.

"Did you put the kid up to this?" Sakura asked. "Why?"

Naruto waved his hand.

"Just needed something to keep him busy long enough for his coffee to get cold."

Sakura gaped.

"You wouldn't…!"

Kakashi noted the others were confused, so he clarified.

"Sasuke has a rather annoying habit. He hates cold coffee, yet he's OCD about finishing a cup before he gets a new one. He can't just dump it out. Yet he also tends to complain about the coffee being cold. We've timed him as griping for two hours."

Tenten put in, "And Neji has the tendency to get annoyed by someone complaining about stupid stuff."

Realization dawned.

"Naruto-sama…" Hanabi whispered in awe, "This is _brilliant._"

Naruto grinned.

"Welcome to the dark side."

Sasuke came back, grumbling about inept ANBU, and sat down again next to Neji, their backs to each other. Sasuke took a sip of his coffee and tilted his cup to look in it.

"Great. My coffee is cold."

Neji glanced at him from the corner of hi eye but stayed silent.

"I hate cold coffee. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it."

Neji's face was a scowl.

"Nope, there's nothing in the world worse than cold coffee."

Neji thunked his head against the table and started slapping it (the table, not his head).

"I'll bet if I tried as hard as I could, I couldn't possibly think of anything worse than cold coffee."

Neji had developed a violent twitching throughout his entire body.

Sasuke opened his mouth to continue and Neji snapped.

"EEEEYAAAAAAHHH!" he shrieked, grabbing his coffee and yanking the back of Sasuke's pants away from his body.

Everyone was laughing uncontrollably as Neji stalked out and Sasuke amended "Okay… soggy shorts, maybe."

AN: If that didn't make much sense, I'll clarify. Sasuke's dialog was word-for-word what Jon said in the strip, while Neji's reactions were the same as Garfield's. The basic idea is that Sasuke/Jon was excessively complaining about cold coffee, so Neji/Garfield poured _his_ cup of coffee down their pants.


End file.
